Let's All Blame the Big Bad Wolf
by meowbooks
Summary: Spoilers for Children of Earth and The End of Time. Let's all blame the Big Bad Wolf, shall we? A big party and party crashers...


**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Doctor Who universe. I just like to imagine things happening in it.

**Let's All Blame the Big Bad Wolf**

"I told you, Tosh. Don't expect flowers. I don't do flowers."

"I said, 'Could you make me a cup of coffee?' No one said anything about flowers!"

"It amounts to the same thing. I do that. Next, you'll expect flowers."

"Mister Negativity."

Ianto Jones realized his eyes were closed and he should not be hearing those two voices. Owen Harper and Toshiko Sato were dead and had been for months. Ianto opened his eyes. There, looming over him was Owen with a scalpel in one hand, shaking his head, rolling his eyes, muttering and disconcertingly animated and solid for someone who had died twice.

"I'm trying to do an autopsy and you're asking me for coffee? Unbelievable."

Ianto watched in horror as Owen hovered the sharp object over his chest.

He knocked Owen's arm away, and sat up. "Autopsy! You were going to—"

They were _laughing_. Toshiko buried her head in her arms giggling like a school girl into her computer keyboard. Owen had been threatening to cut him up and have a look around his insides and he was snickering, snickering!

"Clothes, NOW. " Ianto wrapped the sheet around his middle and hopped off the metal table. Owen slid down a medical supply cabinet with his infernal snickering, but managed to wave in the direction of a nearby chair. Ianto snatched his clothes up and disappeared behind the blue hospital-type bed curtains.

The clock on the wall's minute hand jumped from the 5 to halfway in-between the 5 and 6. Toshiko and Owen stood just outside of the curtain and Ianto stepped out fully dressed. Toshiko and Owen looked to the left, to the right, then at their feet. Toshiko frowned, "I don't remember walking here."

Ianto adjusted his tie and smiled, "You didn't. The clock was supposed to illustrate the passage of time and…"

Owen coughed loudly, folded his arms and shook his head. Toshiko continued frowning. Ianto rolled his eyes at what the writer was trying to do, "Nevermind."

There was an awkward pause.

Ianto sighed, "Or rather the writer tried to create an awkward pause…"

The writer stopped writing the story she intended to write to remind _fanfiction_ Ianto that since it was a fanfiction she could do whatever she well pleased and if he didn't stop—

"I get it!" Ianto held up his hands and started muttering something about "crazy fan girls." He lowered his hands, cleared his throat and directed his attention to Owen and Toshiko. "You two are here so I'm…?"

Owen shook his head and folded his arms. "Not exactly, but look! My hand's fine!"He held up his now healthy left hand. "This hand here. It's my handy han—"His strangely cheery expression vanished and Owen glared at his hand. "ROSE! I'm not a bleeding puppet!"

A girlish tinker of a laugh shook the curtains Ianto had hidden behind, a golden glow emanated from the gap between the curtain and tiled floor. Ianto hesitated before pulling them back. Rose Tyler, glowing with a golden aura, was giggling on the bed.

"Ms. Tyler?"

"No, no, no!" A mostly transparent Donna Noble strode forward from out of the tiled wall. "_Bad Wolf_ Rose, the version of Rose Tyler that is dead...ish. It's complicated. Just blame everything on her."

Ianto was beginning to see a pattern, but Donna didn't fit it. "You're not dead."

"No, but I am the repressed Time Lord consciousness of the DoctorDonna." She smiled smugly. "I get to go back."

Toshiko plopped herself back into her computer chair, "So you keep telling us… How can you? I think you're bluffing. "

"Oy, watch it," said Donna. "I'm in charge here."

Owen circled repressed Donna's transparent form. "Hah. Big Bad Wolf created it. Doesn't that mean _she_'s in charge?"

Donna rose to her full height and smirked at Owen. "She's off her rocker. " Donna nodded towards Bad Wolf Rose. The glowing girl snapped her fingers and made a disco ball descend from the ceiling. "She may have created it, but I helped fulfill its purpose." She pushed Owen into a computer chair and sent it bumping into Toshiko's. "You two were just being lovey, dovey birds before I got here."

Ianto grinned,"Really?"Donna nodded and whispered, "Oh yeah. Look at him blush!"

Owen gulped, but still made an attempt at defiance. "There were no flowers! Not one."

Toshiko kissed Owen's cheek and smiled. She tossed a small toy to Ianto. "He gave me an Adipose."

Owen winced. "Tosh!"

"Awww," smiled Ianto. "Owen the romantic."

Loud music started blaring. Bad Wolf Rose spun around in circles across the floor, and grabbed Ianto's hand, "Want to dance?"

Donna shook her head and Ianto tried to step away from Rose,"Umm…"

Without further hesitation, Rose flung the toy Adipose at Owen, and started steering Ianto across the room. He watched two resurrection gauntlets tango past his feet.

Ianto felt a tap at his shoulder. "Mind if I cut in?" It was man with short hair, a leather jacket, and rather prominent ears. " 'Course you don't." The man took Rose by the hand and pushed Ianto away. "Off you go."

"Hello, Doctor!" said Bad Wolf Rose as they swirled away. Ianto seized his chance, ran past Toshiko and Owen (who were now arguing about the toy Adipose) and hurried back to Donna.

"You were saying this place had a _purpose_?" said Ianto.

"A few years back relative to your time, Rose Tyler, thinking it was the only way she could save the Doctor," Donna pointed to the leather-jacketed man dipping Bad Wolf Rose on the now crowded floor, "looked into the time vortex and absorbed its energy and powers. She saved the Doctor, brought Jack back to life—"

"She did that?"

"Yes, yes, fixed point in time, hard to kill for good—she went a bit far. Don't interrupt. But she also made this place. An in-between if you will, where we can watch the Doctor's doings." She directed Ianto's attention to the numerous screens high on the walls above their heads. "If anyone related to the Doctor and his kicks the bucket, we snatch 'em up and it gives them the opportunity to wait a bit before moving on—"

"Moving on?"

" I'm sorry. Not my area of expertise. If it's not temping in Chiswick or in the Doctor's head I don't have it."

"And the dancing resurrection gauntlets?"

"It's her party," shrugged Donna. "Rose went mad and would've died if the Doctor hadn't saved her. Which means this Bad Wolf Rose is just…mad."

"Yes, but back to it's purpose?" shouted Ianto over the rumble of the crowd forming in the room and the music.

"We monitor the goings on down there the best we can," explained Donna. "Sending the TARDIS distress calls that don't quite reach on their own, sending UNIT little hints, we can only see what happens in our solar system, but that's plenty. All of Torchwood 4's viewing screens come in handy…"

"Torchwood 4?"said Ianto.

"She scooped it up! Don't look at me. I wasn't there, but yeah that lot's here too. Why do you think we have an autopsy table? Not very useful here is it?"

There was no pattern, no preference, for rhythm or style in the song selection Bad Wolf Rose chose. Five minutes of unearthly squeals appealed to the sensibilities of the odd number of Weevils who had barged in and started bowing at a disgusted Owen's feet, soothing symphonies, techno, tango, drumming and war chants, rotated in and out switching every few seconds or every few minutes. Ianto would have thought it was maddening if the whole situation hadn't already been completely mad.

The transparent Donna kept waving at different men—one with a mop of curly hair and an outrageous scarf trailing behind him, an old and gentlemanly one, another who impressed a clapping Bad Wolf Rose with a form of martial arts chopping, a shorter, recorder playing man with impressive eyebrows—who had wafted in. She claimed they were all the Doctor.

Ianto found all of this a bit dizzying. "So, they're the Doctor and you're part Doctor and the skinny,brown-coated—"

"And him!" smiled Donna waving to yet another party guest. "Oy, always love the celery! When are you bringing me one so I can pin it on my lapel?"

"…and celery man. All the Doctor."

"Yeah, " said Donna. "You got a problem with that?"

The music swerved from "Dancing Queen" to an instrumental tango. The floor became a bit emptier as some sat down in chairs that had spontaneously come into being—no doubt recovering from the blaring rock song still ringing in many of their ears—leaving room for couples to enjoy the slower pace of the tango music.

"I love this one!" Toshiko nudged Owen. "One dance?"

"I don't dance."

"And you don't do flowers,"sighed Toshiko slumping in her chair. "Look, even the Doctors are dancing. Oh, which one's that one again?" Her eyes followed one twirling an umbrella with a red, question mark handle.

"Seven."

Toshiko stood up, "Suit yourself." She tugged a person into her arms from the crowd, "Hello, Tommy!" Tommy smiled and lead her away. The music switched again to a quick-paced dance number. Owen drummed his fingers on the arm of his computer chair, watching Tommy twirl Tosh in his arms. Owen kicked his computer chair away, grabbed the nearest female human, and dragged her to the dance floor.

His eyes were still fixed on Tosh. Tommy dipped and glided his dance partner this way and that. Owen's captive dancing partner wasn't enjoying it very much.

"Owen, let go!" she said trying to tug out of his grip. Owen broke his steely glare for Tosh to look at her. "Suzie?"

"No, I'm an OOD with a mask!"

"Well, Miss Ood, you either dance with me or one of my loyal subjects—"He nodded towards a Weevil who seemed to understand the threat and was now enthusiastically nodding.

"Toss me,"Suzie said as she twirled away from him.

"What?"said Owen. Suzie spun back in and whispered in his ear,"But if you don't catch me it'll take more than a stinkin' Weevil to save you."

Tosh peered over Tommy's shoulder from across the dance floor. Owen tossed Suzie lightly into the air and caught her. Tosh glowered, "'I don't dance?' Hah!"

SHWOOOMP! A roaring sound, a wave of energy and the main doors swung inward, a slightly smoking Jack Harkness charged in, a massive weapon slung over his shoulder, and a hand gun aimed at the ready. He spotted Suzie and shot her in the head.

The music stopped screeched to groaned and shouted,"You shot my dance partner!"

Ianto leaned over to the transparent Donna, "Again." Bad Wolf Rose zoomed over and placed a glowing hand on Suzie's head. Suzie stood up, strode across the room, slapped a stunned Jack and stormed out of the room. Tosh folded her arms, "We were having a dance party!"

Jack stowed his hand gun, "I thought…I mean, I'm here to—"

"Oh, so when HE dies you find Torchwood 4?" said Owen. "That's bloody convenient."

"Well," Jack cleared his throat and scanned the room. "Dance party, disco ball? Hey, I was the Saturday night fever."

The fanfiction writer allowed everyone—fictional characters and readers—a moment to face palm and groan in frustration.

"What did I say?" Jack asked as the party goers walked away from him back to the dance floor. Bad Wolf Rose looked at him sympathetically, patted him on the shoulder and said "Conga line!" before zipping off in a streak of gold and putting Adric at the head of the string of dancers. The music started up again in all its chaotic variety.  
Jack shrugged and was about to join in, but the door behind him made a strangled robotic cat noise.  
The door flapped open, exhausted, a blast of golden light and swirling particles flitted through the door way and spat out a long, brown-coat wearing man. He wore a brown pin-striped suit and one shoe. He hopped around in a spiral on the foot lucky enough to wear said shoe, sighed, lowered his bare foot, wiggled his toes, and said, "Knew that wouldn't work." He glanced at his new surroundings. "Excellent. I love a good party."  
Jack Harkness lowered his weapons once again, "Now you show up?"  
"Ooohhh, you're not supposed to be here," tutted the Doctor. He circled him with an inspector's eye. "Don't know where here is, but considering how I've just regenerated— "  
"Where's your shoe?"  
"How are you here?" The Doctor flipped on his glasses, stared into Jack's eyes and picked something out of his hair.  
"Hey!"  
"Teleportation combined with—" He rubbed the residue between his fingers.  
"Doc-"  
"—Xatera energy rays following residual consciousness streams? That's suicide. Of course we are talking about y—"  
"DOCTOR."  
The Doctor glanced down at his bare foot. "Expelled radiation into my shoe. Not enough shoe. Hang on, are we in Torchwood 4? I've been looking for this."

Jack nodded, "Yeah, me too."  
The leather jacketed Doctor with the short haircut folded his arms, "Are you here already? You're burning up regenerations quickly."

Bad Wolf Rose skipped towards them and waved, "Hello, Old New Doctor!"

"Hello." The Old New Doctor smirked, "And you've been dancing."

Ianto listened to DoctorDonna describe her part in planets in the sky situation. He stirred his cup, and was about to put it to his lips, but Donna stopped talking. He glanced down at his cup. "I'd offer you some, but you're…"  
"Don't worry about it. I just miss it. You don't have to make coffee here."  
"Good to know," Ianto spotted the Ninth Doctor chatting to the Tenth through Donna's transparent figure. "Isn't that your Doctor?"  
Donna turned around and bolted through the crowd, sending a shivery sensation into everyone she well, went through until she was face to face with Ten. "YOU DIDN'T SAVE ME?"  
Ianto placed his cup back on the counter, "I'll take that as a yes."  
Nine, Bad Wolf Rose, and Jack inched away seconds before Donna unleashed her scorn upon Ten. Jack met Ianto's eye, navigated the edges of the crowd and sat next to him.  
"Hi." Jack grinned even as he silently cursed himself for the lame greeting.  
"So, you're killing yourself to see me. I'm flattered."  
"I didn't think about what happen if I-erm-managed to get here."  
_ Ah, Jack._ Ianto glanced at the countless screens on the walls far above the crowd. Bad Wolf Rose hadn't exactly made it easy to keep track of time. Ianto wondered how long it had been for him. It only felt like hours, but Jack looked older.  
"You can't keep doing this."  
"Why not?"  
"You can afford to be reckless with your life, but others can't. They won't always be able to wait while you pull yourself together."  
"Yech,"Jack grimaced. "That wasn't fun."  
"…you mean when you were bits of shrapnel?"  
Jack shuddered, "I don't want to think about it."  
"That's not what I'm talking about. Look at you, you're miserable."  
"Gee, thanks."  
"You don't have to be. If there was another way you would've done it. Besides, it always goes wrong when you bring people back. I don't exactly fancy an undead existence. Ianto of the Dead!" Ianto paused, "Nah, I don't want to be Simon Pegg."  
"You'd be Nick wasn't a zombie."  
Ianto scrunched up his nose at the thought,"I'd rather be Bill Nighy."  
"Don't you think Shaun's mother looked like the old Prime Minister?"  
Ianto tried to picture it, "I don't see it."  
They laughed. Jack reached for Ianto's hand, "I've missed you." For a moment, it was just them. Then the music returned and the tango-dancing resurrection gauntlets knocked over Ianto's cup and Donna's voice was impossible to ignore.  
"DON'T. Don't you sorry me, spaceman!"  
"I will!" Ten held up his hands, "I promise, just not like this-"  
"I don't want some bow-tied-"  
"I'll write a note! And Jack-"Ten pointed to Jack at the bar counter. "HE can give it to the new me. Isn't that right, Bad Wolf Rose?"  
Nine dipped Bad Wolf Rose like James Bond with a Blonde. Rose nodded,"Yes, Old New Doctor!"  
Donna moved forward, "A bleeding note?Oh you rahfuazarooklifa!"  
Ten rolled his eyes, "Now, that, that was uncalled for!"  
Ianto stood up, "I think you better go..."  
Jack pulled Ianto by the collar and kissed him, "I'll see you."  
"Don't make them _planned_ visits!" Ianto shouted as Jack rushed to take Ten's note. Jack acknowledged Ianto's words with a grin before jumping out the doorway.  
Donna glared at Ten one more time before rushing through the tiled wall she'd come in from, "I'm making sure he does it, too."  
Ianto looked up at the screens and smiled as Donna trained each one of them on Jack Harkness.


End file.
